Why, on this hot
night,
when I lug my
thumping
guitar case
home, does
the bugles’ tired gurgle
mark my
arrival
in subway doors?
Across from me
two girls
munch
oniony sandwiches,
spread out over
the entire row.
They’re set for
the same long haul.
Even on this
matchless railway
I feel as if I
wander
without a song,
temple-filled
feedback—and,
as in broad
slapstick,
I am
left
(utterly)
alone.

We talked in his car during band practice one night. I wasn't dressed for the cold and that was the excuse.
We'd been talking a little, here and there, for a few weeks ... but getting into the warm car, closed off from anyone who might hear us, made some sort of difference.

When I felt the tingling feeling, we weren't even talking. It was quiet. He was looking for a tape to play. I looked up from counting my fingers and he was looking at me and we both just sort of smiled.

We were comfortable in an awkward teenage sort of way.

I couldn't believe it was happening to me. I was a crip and an oddball to boot. It just never occurred to me that anyone would have any interest in me until I got out of our backwater high school.

We fell hard for each other. Spent hours just gazing into each other's eyes, stroking each other, talking about everything we could share. We had already decided we were going to be together forever before we had sex.

When we did, it was quick and uncomfortable and we were scared (we were in my twin bed thinking parents could walk in any minute). But we practiced a lot after that and it did get better. It was good to learn together.

It couldn't be evil. We were sure we were married in the eyes of God.

Three years later, I went to college. He'd already been there a year. Suddenly the world opened up to me and it didn't seem right to be locked into this "forever" deal anymore. I wasn't ready to marry and I suddenly wasn't sure I ever would be.

When I quit our relationship, I didn't realize that's what was happening. He did. He was anguished and I wanted to comfort him, but I couldn't comfort him and "see other people" at the same time. So I said goodbye and I told him he couldn't keep coming back.

It took a while, but we got used to just being friends.

Years later, I introduced him to my roommate. They married and their five-year-old is my very good friend. His recent picture with Santa sits beside my computer as I write. My life is so much richer with his family in it.

It was a love that will last forever.

It just wasn't meant to be the way we thought it was ... way back when.

I have been thinking a lot about money lately. Doesn't everyone at one time or another? Seems a pity that in order to do most anything one has to have money of some kind. Just can't coast through life with nothing after all. Great ideal, but in reality, it doesn't work. When I have it, I have it, when I don't, I make do. I don't see that there is really anything one can do about that. You either have it or you don't. If you sit around worrying about whether or not you are going to have enough for something, then you wont ever get anywhere.

I try, key word here, try, to express to the Universe that I have what I need and am thankful for it. That usually seems to work. Whenever I really get in a pickle and need something I don't have, something happens to make sure that I do get whatever it is that I needed or I find that I really didn't need it after all :) Growing up I never really thought about money much. I worked part time in high school and college, full time till my second child was born, then on and off part time occasionally since then. That was 11 years ago this weekend. I suppose we were wealthy growing up. Never wanted for anything, had household help, went on trips, had everything we needed and we were pretty happy. It didn't strike me till later that the house we lived in, the cars we drove and the clothes we wore and the fact that we had a house at the beach were not the norm. There was a whole other world out there that I didn't know much about. I do now. And you know what I discovered? That while I may be more comfortable with more money, as long as there is enough to pay the bills, eat and play once in a while, I don't really need more. Of course, it would always be nice to have more, but I don't, so that is ok too. I can dream with the rest of them what I would do if I won the lottery. Travel, house help, more travel, I guess the extent of my aspirations is to travel! LOL! See the world, spend time learning everything there is to learn about other places, other cultures, other religions. I think it would be pretty neat. There would have to be a lot of money to do that though, cause I would insist on doing it with all 4 of the kidlets! That would require someone to help me! I can imagine eating banana and chocolate crepes from that little street vendor with my children, sitting in the shadow of the Notre Dame Cathedral. I can imagine climbing the Eiffel Tower with them and feeling like we were all on top of the world. I can imagine traipsing through old castles in Scotland and England and reliving the past through their eyes. I can see riding on the top level of a double decker bus, I can see us having a snow ball fight on top of a mountain in July in Switzerland. I can see us living life. Enjoying it, embracing it and coming away from all of that even richer for the experience not because of the money. But, it takes money to have all that. And that is where the rub lies. Of course, we have just as wonderful times here at home. Doing the unexpected, having fun. Living life.

"Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death, so live, LIVE" (Auntie Mame) I don't want any of my children to starve for lack of living! So, eh, money is nice, it helps, it is required in this world. But life is worth living no matter how much money we have. And I want to make sure that we live it to the fullest! Yes, I am wealthy. I feel more wealthy than Bill Gates!

I know how to live....now, "It's time to get busy living, or get busy dying." (Shawshank Redemption)